Was going to spend the night writing. Write a blag post. Write about how my Glorious, Amazing, Crazy, Stupendous Year is going. Write the speech I’m giving at Toastmasters on Wednesday. Write some plans for the next few weeks. Write invitations to possible new Lounging with LannaLee guests.

After work I went to the gym. I walked on the treadmill for 25 minutes while watching Total Recall on my Kindle Fire. I got home at 7:30. Fired up the computer, checked email and Facebook. At 8:30 I realized I was hungry. Since Edmund had already eaten, I ventured into the kitchen to make myself some Annie’s Homegrown Shells & White Cheddar Macaroni & Cheese. I picked up A Game of Thrones and continued to read it. Just for a few minutes. I read while I ate. And after I was done reading, I kept reading for a few more minutes. Just a few more.

Before I knew it, it was 10:30.

Whoops.

I forced myself to put down the book and come write my blag post. Here it is. Now I’m going to do some more of the stuff I wanted to do for tonight.

Bed time == midnight.

As long as I don’t pick up Game of Thrones again.

A couple of years ago my car was broken into and some miscreant stole my gym clothes, along with my sneakers. No worries, I had just ordered a new pair of sneakers from Zappos.

Wouldn’t you know it, the wide-sized sneakers I bought from Zappos didn’t fit. And I never got around to sending them back. I was just too busy with school and work and then it seemed like it was too late.

So that means that I’ve been paying for a gym membership but not going to the gym in part because I don’t have anything to wear on my feet. So. That happened.

I resolved to buy myself some sneakers. I would schlep myself to the store and try on sneakers before I purchased them to make sure they would fit well. This week. When I told Edmund of my plans [“I’m going to go on Tuesday night after Mom and I go out to dinner”] he gave me a 10% discount coupon to a sports store in the mall. Kismet!

Imagine my dismay when I realized that the only (and I mean only) pair of wide sneakers that fit me was one of the “pink” shoes benefiting a charity that will remain nameless. In spite of my love of Planned Parenthood and all the good it does for Women’s Health and cancer screening, I chose to buy the damn sneakers.

You should be able to infer why.

I suppose if I were a better person and stood up for my beliefs and stuff I’d boycott those damn sneakers!

And there I would be, exactly where I was before. Without sneakers. Paying for a gym membership but never going because of sneakers. Sneakers. Sneakers. SNEAKERS!

I bought them. Because I don’t live in vacuum. If I had smaller/less wide feet, I would’ve had plenty of options. But I don’t.

And clearly, I needed to buy the damn sneakers when I was ready to buy sneakers.

So there.

Some of the things I want to do this year terrify me. I am afraid of looking like a fool. In order to be a success, I might have to actually practice/do work/be vulnerable. And what if I do those things (practice/do work/be vulnerable), and fail! Argh!

What I usually do in similar is to give myself a little pep talk. Just saying a few simple phrases under my breath can make the difference in my attitude and help me get up and go. Here they are:

Balls to the Wall

I don’t have balls (ovaries all the way, baby), but this has worked for me in the past.

Why I like it: It’s a little profane, but I think that’s its strength. [Of course the Urban Dictionary says that it is a flying/piloting reference, and not anatomical, but we won’t let them ruin our fun, will we?]

Screw em if they can’t take a joke

[Could also be F*&^ em if they can’t take a joke.] The person I remember saying this most is my Mom, Dottie Maheux (not pictured).

Why I like it: Who cares what they think? Screw em! A good reminder to please yourself and not others.

God Hates a Coward

This one is from my Dad, Walter Maheux (pictured above). Whenever he psyches himself up to do something difficult, he says “Well, God hates a coward” and gets to it.

Why I like it: It’s a funny way to say the Lord helps those who help themselves. And you don’t want to be a coward, do you?

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What do you say to yourself when you need a pep talk?

In the spirit of my Glorious, Amazing, Crazy, Stupendous Year, I worked on a brain map tonight. A portion of it is pictured to the left, but I do not intend on sharing it in all its glory. A girl’s gotta have some secrets, doesn’t she?

I’ve also made a decision about writing, I will write, by hand, for at least 15 minutes a day. I will endeavor to write other things, but the 15 minutes, and a daily blog post, will be my goal. I will be going by Baby Steps here. Baby steps. I’ve had a daily blog post since November, no reason why I can’t just add one more thing, daily journaling.

I just wrote the word journaling and I feel like hyperventilating. Don’t panic, Lanna. Just roll it back. You’re not journaling, you’re writing in your Moleskine once a day. Totally not journaling.

That’s better.

The creative juices are flowing, so I’m going to work on some other projects right now. Glorious, Amazing, Crazy and Stupendous, no?

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What are you doing tonight?

Edmund is calling 2012 his year of spirit. Since we are married and living together, I will be drawn into this year of spirit with him, and that is perfectly fine with me. A year in spirit is in line with my plans, to make 2012 a Glorious, Amazing, Crazy and Stupendous Year!

I will be trying new things. Crazy things. Things that make me feel uncomfortable. Things that I am hesitant to talk about in case they fail. [Note: as far as I know these THINGS will not be illegal.] I will do art and write and create new works and new opportunities for myself and others.

It is fortuitous that Neil Gaiman’s 2012 New Year’s Wish for his blog readers reads as follows:

I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes.

Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something.

So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life.

Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it.

Make your mistakes, next year and forever.

[Yes, I borrowed Glorious and Amazing from his post.]

I can’t really quantify all I want to do, because there is a lot. But here is some explication.

Theme: Focus

My theme is focus. I need to find a way to focus that works for me, I want to lose that scattered feeling I get. Overall I will endeavor to focus my energies on my goals and projects. As you might be able to tell from this post, I have difficulty focusing the way normal people do it, so I am choosing to see this as a feature not a bug and make it work for me. How does Lanna focus?

Goals

• Write: Blog Posts, poetry, stories, books, plays
• Exercise: Walk, swim, hike, have fun
• Relax: De-stress

Projects

Just a few of the projects I have underway:

• Already in progress:
  • Bureau of Awesome: podcast with Edmund
  • The Lex and Lanna Show: podcast with Alexis Lyon
• Launching in 2012:
  • The Mainetrix: an online feminist magazine with primarily Maine women writers
  • Wicked Twisted: the next incarnation of my balloon business, or will it be more?
  • Others to be determined

Making 2012 Glorious, Amazing, Crazy, and Stupendous

My most important goal will be to Write. All of my dream projects include some sort of creation/writing aspect to them. I want to write. But, as of yet, I have not truly been a writer. This blog has helped, making me write a little every day, but I want to do more. To create more.

I will live in the moment, accept and learn from my mistakes, and most of all, have fun while I’m doing it.

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What are you doing this year?