I’m working on it.
It has occurred to me that I am not always being the person I want to be.
The person I want to be does all the things she says she’ll do – and if she can’t, she takes responsibility for not doing them. Like by saying, I can’t do that. I said I’d plan a retreat in October – obviously it didn’t work out. I still haven’t emailed to apologize or tell her what’s going on.
The person I want to be communicates effectively. And timely. If someone contacts her, she contacts them back. Within a specific frame time. A week max. Maybe. A friend, a close friend, mind you, sent me an email shortly after Dad died expressing his condolences. I still haven’t emailed him back. Another friend sent me a Facebook message last week asking me a question. I haven’t replied yet. Another friend, who I’ve been out-of-touch with (mainly because she is NOT on social media), as far as I know, doesn’t know Dad died because I haven’t emailed her.
The person I want to be is decisive and on top of things. I’m scheduling another Lounging with LannaLee Salon night, and I’ve dropped the ball (again). I need to schedule more interviews, and I can’t seem to get myself to the computer to just ASK people. I need to make a bunch of things for my indiegogo campaign, and instead I spent two days watching many, many episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Edmund and I, in our Bureau of Awesome podcast, talked about being cheerfully depressed. The thing is, I am. I mean, I’m doing well considering the year we’ve had, but sometimes I’m only hanging on by a thread. As I discussed with Patsy Terrell in the most recent Lounging with LannaLee episode, it’s all about getting through each day. Patsy mentioned that she did not journal for a year after her Mom died because she knew she would “lose it”. I feel like, in some ways, I’m avoiding some things for similar reasons. Or when things get harder, I retreat. It’s tougher to push through.
I have a tendency for procrastination. Always have had. Motivated by deadlines, I was always able to keep up with things. Lately it’s been harder to do so. At work (my day job) I am doing okay – except that I haven’t handed in a time sheet since this summer. On my myriad of projects I feel like I have some ideas and then I fizzle out. I want to be doing more. Ideally, I’ve already sent out the indiegogo perks (digital and physical), I’ve But then I spend two days watching Buffy. And there you go.
Granted, I might be being too hard on myself. I’ve published a new Lounging with LannaLee episode every week since March – through Dad’s illness, death, and the aftermath. I’ve blagged (blogged) here every day since late October 2011, through the worst of what 2012 has given me. With my co-worker’s help, I’ve been able to keep up at my job.
Here is my baggage: I don’t want to keep using the “grief” excuse. Is it an excuse? I know it gets old. I also know that there is no real timeline for grief. It unfolds as it will. It sucks, then gets better, then sucks all over again. I’ll keep trying to be the person I want to be, while remembering that nobody is perfect.
Whew. Now that that’s off my chest, I’m going to write some poems for the indiegogo campaign. 15 of them.
It’s a start.
Recent Thoughts