I am not happy

On my way home from work today, I racked my brain on what I could write about on the blag. What flashed in my head was the headline: I am not happy. Because I am not. I am not that giddy, bubbly happy. I don’t act silly. I have to work to find the joy. And I am not always successful.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not a devastated, blubbering mess. And I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I am doing okay. Fine, even. I do things I enjoy, I laugh and hang out with friends. But when the fun-times are over, the joy wears off sooner.

I am more awkward in public settings. I am more insecure. I guess this is depression. And that is why I’m taking the meds. Yay, the meds.

I’m in a place of clear cognitive dissonance, where I believe two things to be true: one can, and should, choose happiness; and sometimes you just have to be sad. Sometimes you can’t choose to be happy because the sad has got you.

I fill in the time with fun things. Stuff that make me happier. Like Lounging with LannaLee. Yesterday I got to Lounge with long-time pal Junie Moon who is a firecracker! Today I got to lounge with my Lex and Lanna cohort, Alexis Lyon. Two favorite people of mine.

I have so much of which to be grateful. My Mom, my brother Bill and my dear Edmund are all doing well. The kitties are adorable. I like my work (day job) a lot. Doing the lounge is fulfilling and fun. I have pockets of happy.

I am glad. Glad to be alive. Glad to have fun work to do and exciting projects to complete. And I am hopeful. Hopeful that my happy times will get longer, and that my sad will decrease. Hopeful that I will once again do something totally silly for no reason at all.

There is the social expectation that everyone “should” be happy. And if you aren’t happy, then something is wrong that needs to be fixed. Well, as far as I know, we can’t bring back the dead, so no fixing available for this situation.

On Saturday while I was Off-The-Grid, I took a tour of Glenwood, EarthSpirit’s Sacred Land. While exploring the Ancestor Altar, I felt very close to my Dad, and Henry, and my cousin Teresa. I felt like each one of them would have liked it. The forest smells, the rotting trees, the moss. It was cool and dark. I was sad that none of them would get to chance to see it.

The theme for both Alexis’ and Junie Moon’s podcasts both included Listening and understanding as a way to make the world a better place. Let’s do this on the microlevel.

I am falling asleep at my computer. Hey, wait, that’s something that makes me happy: sleep, glorious sleep.