Guest Post: Lori Bates Ellison – Life Lessons, As Taught by Jack Handey

I loved Lori Bates Ellison‘s writing, and I am honored to have a guest post from her. Enjoy!

Life
Lessons, As Taught by Jack Handey

 

My personal
philosophy is: “Laugh whenever possible. Laugh when you should. Laugh when you
shouldn’t. Laugh when you don’t think you can. And laugh while you live your
truth, whether anyone else gets it or not. If they laugh with you, you’re
winning.” I’m no Socrates, but that’s a damn good philosophy. Some of life’s
important lessons can be learned from reading the wise words of Jack Handey. Yes, seriously. I know I wouldn’t live my life to
the fullest and find laughter through it all had it not been for his nuggets of
entertaining brilliance. Allow me to enlighten you.

“If you go parachuting
and your parachute doesn’t open and your friends are all watching you fall, I
think a funny gag would be to pretend you are swimming.” –JH

Lesson: Laugh even as you plummet to your demise. Pray
that your final gig makes onlookers join in.

“If you’re robbing a
bank and your pants fall down, I think it’s okay to
laugh and let the hostages laugh, too. Because, come on, life is funny.” –JH

Yes it is, Jack. Yes it is.

He taught me about more than just laughter, you know. He
taught me real words to live by.

“To me, it’s a good
idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way if
someone says, ‘Hey, can you give me a hand?’, you can
say, ‘sorry, got these sacks.’” –JH

Lesson: I can always
say no, even if I have to make up an excuse.

“If you’re in a war,
instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small
pumpkins. Maybe it’ll make everyone think how stupid war is. And while they’re
thinking, you can throw a real grenade.” –JH

Lesson: All is fair
in love and war. Bonus lesson: Confusion is a skill that will assist you in
winning.

“To me, clowns aren’t
funny. They’re kind of scary. I’ve wondered where this started and I think it
goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.” –JH

Lesson: Your adult
fears are probably born of childhood traumas.

“I love to go to the schoolyard and watch the children jump and scream,
but they don’t know I’m using blanks.” –JH

Lesson: Just because
it’s scary doesn’t mean it’ll kill you.

“I wish I would have a
real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I’d quit my job and become a
bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.” –JH

Lesson: Be lazy.
Don’t wait for an excuse to take the day off.

“Don’t ever get your
speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you
go, the later you think you are.” –JH

Lesson: Don’t drink
and drive; especially on the day of an important meeting.

“You know what’s probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the
summertime to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests
? Just a big bag of blood.” –JH

Lesson: There isn’t
one. It just makes perfect sense to me.

“If you get invited to
your first orgy, don’t just show up nude. That’s a common mistake. You have to
let nudity ‘happen’.” –JH

Lesson: I wish I had
read that BEFORE my first orgy.

“I think someone
should have had the decency to tell me that the luncheon was free. To make
someone run out with potato salad in his hands, pretending to throw up, is not
what I’d call hospitality.” –JH

Lesson: Be a good
host. If not, your guests will ruin your party. Every.
Fucking. Time.

“Most people don’t
realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached
to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.” –JH

Lesson: Be creative!
And recycle.

“Before you criticize
someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize
them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.” –JH

Lesson: Some people
need a heavy dose of reality and they’ll probably get mad anyway. You should
strike and retreat.

“If I could be a bird,
I’d be a Flying Purple People Eater. Because then people would sing about me
and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.” –JH

Well, I figure we should just do whatever it takes to make
that fucking song go away.

“One thing kids like
is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to
Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out warehouse. ‘Oh, no’, I
said, ‘Disneyland burned down.’ He cried and cried, but I think that deep down,
he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real
Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.” –JH

Lesson: Kids nowadays
have a sense of entitlement and need to be brought down a peg or two.

“If a kid asks where
rain comes from, I think it’s a cute thing to tell him is, ‘God is crying.’ And
if he asks why, another cute thing to tell him is, ‘probably because of
something you did.’” –JH

Lesson: If you can’t
figure this one out, you’re probably the reason it rained yesterday.

“I remember that one
fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. ‘You don’t have
to tell me,’ I said. ‘I’m off the team, aren’t I?’ ‘Well,’ said Coach, ‘you
never really were ON the team. You made that uniform you’re wearing out of rags
and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and
then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to
tackle people at inappropriate times.’ It was all true what he was saying. And
yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees
something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that’s when I
felt the handcuffs go on.” –JH

Lesson: Notice when
you’ve overstayed your welcome. And always leave before the cops show up.

 

I hope you’ve experienced personal growth through these life
lessons. I know they’ve helped shape me into the person I am today. And I shall
leave you with this final thought:

“I hope life isn’t a
joke, because I don’t get it.” –JH

This is the only one Jack and I disagree on, readers. Life
IS a joke. If it doesn’t feel like it at the time, you can laugh through it. I
promise. I’ve laughed through trauma, heartbreak, abandonment, and even death.
Laughter is the best medicine. That and Klonopin, but
mostly laughter.

This content © 2013 Lori Bates Ellison.