The End is Near. School, I mean. Have you been reading this blog?! I talk about just about every day. Anyway. The end is near. In a week and a day, on Monday, December 12th, I will complete my Probability and Statistics final (in what could be the very last test I ever take) and thus fulfill my requirements for the Math Minor and finally earn my undergraduate degree.
And I am feeling anxious and overwhelmed and I wonder if I will be able to get everything done in time and I am pretty sure I can swing and A in my Memoir class, but not absolutely sure, and I know that an A in my Stats class is a longshot but as long as I pass the class I’ll be okay and maybe I’ll get a B in Stats, that would be nice, and I don’t know how to do my Stats homework and I can’t seem to concentrate on anything and I want to sleep sleep sleep and I can’t I keep distracting myself with books and games and I am not sure how I am going to make it — or to put it more succinctly: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
I am so lucky. One benefit to being a working-full-time and going-to-school-part-time student is that there is no uncertainty when I finish my degree. I already have my job. [The fact that me going back to school was instrumental in my securing my job is helpful for me to remember that yes, the stress was worth it.] Furthermore I like (love) my job and feel that my prospects within the company are good and can only get better.
So why am I feeling this tension? I feel that there will be this big change in my life and I don’t know what it will be. I’ll still be living in Westbrook with Edmund and working in Kennebunk and I’ll still be driving the same car and I’ll still have two awesome cat creatures. I’ll just have more time. I’ll be free.
I’ve been holding back. I haven’t performed/acted in public since 2005, except for reading my poetry a few times [I took an improv class a couple of years ago, but other than that, nothing.] I used to be a lot more social. I liked to hang out. For a time, in the 1990s I went out every single night of the week. But with school and such I found many times I’d beg off. I’d even tell Edmund to go out without me – no reason why he shouldn’t enjoy himself.
Okay. I know what it is. When I decided to go back to school, I had a goal in mind. I knew I wanted to be a speaker – but I had no subject matter, no content. I didn’t know how to do research. So went back to school, studied Sociology and Mathematics, and got the skills I needed. And now I need to put my proverbial money where my mouth is – I’ve been percolating, and now I need to start making it happen. I still don’t know what IT is, but I’ve got a better idea of how to find out. I have a lot of crazy ideas, and now it’s time to implement them.
I’ve already started working on my crazy ideas. I’m resurrecting my balloon twisting business, I’m blogging every day (right here on my blag!), I’m starting an online magazine, and will start working with more podcasting (on The Lex and Lanna Show and at The BureauOfAwesome with Edmund), and I have Vlogging plans too. I will measure my success with one metric: does it amuse me? If it amuses me in any way, it is a success.
So here I go. In a week, I’ll be jumping off the precipice. But staying in the same place. I plan on enjoying the ride. How about you?